Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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