ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
