There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
