great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
