1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
