"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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