i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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