Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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