some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
