the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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