your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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