i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
