i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
