Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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