I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
