That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
