this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
