I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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