BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
