My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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