hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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