If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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