when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
