theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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