is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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