u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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