so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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