so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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