You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize