Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
