so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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