I haven't been this sober since birth.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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