I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
