just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
