my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
