I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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