dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
