Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
