Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
