Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize