The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
