I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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