he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
