I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
