Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
