so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
