shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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