i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize