you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize