dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
