Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's blow job season.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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