I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize