in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You were trust falling into bushes
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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