I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize