Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i think im in europe. pls send help
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
