you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
