I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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