no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
