either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
