Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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