dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize