I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
