your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
