All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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