and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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