I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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